Pensioners need to get a grip!

Jake Cox emailed a guest blog saying “Publish this Midnyte Hour if you dare – No corse u wont!”

We’re sick of old gits trying to be dope. When you reach 40 does the embarrassment chamber in your brain fall out?
Round at my bro’s Jamie’s house the uver day and we goes in the kitchen. His mum’s cooking or some such. Mixing some shizel in a bowl. My man Jamie says “Wot u doin Mam?”.
“Just blendin it,” she says.
“No you isn’t girl,” I told her, “Don’t embarrass yourself. Leave street talk to peeps under 90 man!”
Think she’s got that Oldtimers cos she just looked like she was mental, proper staring. I just left it.
It’s everywhere man! On Tuesday am at doctors and old guy in front me tells the woman, “I’m sick.”
“No you freakin isn’t man. Yous 90 if u a day! You wearing dad pants and your laces is tied!” – Guess what – Mental stare again.
Sick of oldies banging on about old bands n that. If it wasn’t for JXL nobody would know who the hell Elvis is!
Final straw man – Comes home tonight Dad’s cooking, ipod blaring out. Only playing theme from Call of Duty – Gimme Shelter! Dropped his ipod in his curry. Told him “Just leave new sounds to us… right? Let’s not talk about it again K?”
Poor sod he’s only 42 and he’s got mental stare too!

Boy Bland insist - We’re Original!

Our new-music journalist, Rob Jogon, was blasted by TV lack-of-talent show losers ‘One Dimension’ for suggesting they weren’t very original. Runners up in the popular agricultural prat-search programme ‘Eggs Tractor’ insisted “We are original!”
Lead singer, Barry Silvikrin, said, “Every sample we’ve ever done is original…… to my knowledge.” It’s true to say the interview started badly and nearly ended before it began. But a clever combination of a promise of ice cream and the implied threat of the naughty step brought the guys back to the sofas.
The atmosphere was still tense as teen heart-throb Lee Fop questioned, “So if you had your way only people who played instruments and could write songs would get a recording contract then?”
“Yes”, Rob prodded.
Patrick O’Gel interjected at this point brining a calm and lilting viewpoint, “Aghh sure we can all hurl from the top of the ditch!” Which may have been a point well made.
Bobby Suks said, “Our songs speak for themselves! And sing for themselves too, thanks to Auto Tune.”
Rob could sense this was never going to end well so pushed a little further, “What do you say to people who say you’re like a broken record, the same thing constantly regurgitated?”
Bobby blasted, “I’d say you’re out of touch man. The kids love our stuff because it’s sick and ting! … A broken record what’s that anyway old man? I think you’ll find we’re like a broken MP free!”
The interview ended abruptly as the band stormed out lead by Barry shouting, “Stuff your ice cream!”
The last word went to the quiet unassuming Zak Wernotorlwyte who calmly said, “I thought I was the lead singer!”